You see, in Germany, dog entertainment was not a frivolous affair. It was an industrie . It had ordnung . It was state-subsidized and taken as seriously as car engineering or bread baking.

But the real heavyweight was Wuff den Wuff (Bark the Bark), a singing competition where dogs howled covers of Rammstein. A three-legged Poodle mix named Wolfgang had won last year with a haunting rendition of "Du Hast."

Later, at the after-party held in a fire hydrant-shaped VIP lounge, Günter nursed a bowl of bone broth. Pixel the Jack Russell hopped beside him.

The nation, in this case, was the entire canine population of the Federal Republic of Germany. And the event was the 47th annual Telepaws Awards, the Oscars of Hundefunkschau —German Dog entertainment.

"Great job, Günter! The ratings are wunderbar ," Pixel panted. "Netflix-Wau has already greenlit your next project. A reboot of Lassie … but with a techno soundtrack and set in a Berlin nightclub."

"And the Golden Squeaky Toy goes to… Das Müsste Man Mal Untersuchen !"